Rita Rudner:
"Why do women wear perfumes that smell like flowers?
Men don't like flowers.
I've been wearing a great scent.
It's called New Car Interior."
***
I think all cars should have car phones
in them and their license plates should be their phone numbers so you can
call them up and tell them to get out of the way! Old folks could
have 1-800 numbers.
***
WORST CARS OF THE MILLENNIUM...as voted
by NPR's Car Talk:
The Yugo: "At least it had
heated rear windows so your hands could stay warm while you pushed."
Daihatsu Charade: "It was
as if Daihatsu took aluminum foil and shaped it into a car."
Ford Pinto: "Remember that
great Pinto bumper sticker? 'Hit me and we blow up together'?"
American Motors Gremlin: "It
was entirely possible to read an entire Russian novel during the pause
between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion."
Renault Le Car: "It would
put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than
a croissant."
Cadillac Cimarron: "When we
traded it in, my wife was upset because we didn't keep it long enough for
her to buy a gun and shoot it."
Volkswagen Bus: "There was
no heat--unless, that is, the auxiliary gas heater caught fire."
Fiat X1/9: "It ran fine--that
is, unless it was too wet, too cold, too hot or too dark outside."
Chevrolet Vega: "As far as
I could tell, the car was built from compressed rust."
A FAVORITE BUMPER STICKER:
"Parts falling off this car are of the finest English quality."
***
Consumer Tip#5: When buying a
used car, check the radio's push buttons. If they are all set on rock stations,
the transmission is probably shot.
***
All those enticing car ads are really
having an effect. New car thefts are up 17%.
***
Nothing works right on my car.
The only thing that doesn't make noise is the horn.
***
Nonsense: driving a Volvo while
smoking a cigarette--you're trying to be safe, from what?
***
He had his car insured against fire
and they tried to sell him some theft coverage, too. "That would
be a waste of money," he said. "Who's going to steal a burning car?"
--Will Rogers
***
My car mechanic couldn't fix my brakes
so he installed a louder horn.
***
Americans will put up with anything
provided it doesn't block traffic.
--Dan Rather
***
The 1973 American Motors Gremlin combines
the advantage of not being worth worrying about with the advantage of being
so ugly that poisonous snakes flee from it in terror.
--Dave Barry
***
Man standing by his U-Haul and woman
saying: "I like to think I can judge a man by the car he drives,
Bob. Yours, to me, says: Fear of commitment."
***
Never loan your car to anyone to whom
you've given birth.
--Erma Bombeck
***
At a body shop: "We take the
dent out of accident."
***
It takes thousands of nuts to construct
an automobile, but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.
***
Abraham Lincoln declared you can't
fool all the people all the time, but highway interchange signs come pretty
close.
***
Putting a Club on a '72 Pinto is like
putting chastity belt on Clinton.
***
I think my car's got a vacuum problem...every
time I turn the key in the ignition, it sucks money out of my wallet."
***
I decided to nickname my car "Saddam"--it
burns oil too.
***
Why is it that when traffic comes to
a near standstill, they call it rush hour?
--George Carlin
***
I don't need a car alarm. To
deter thieves, I just leave the repair bills on the dash.
***
Business Week 1979: "With over
50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't
likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market."
***
Shop-a-holic: "My car's very
economical. I get about 20 malls to the gallon."
***
I told the guy at the auto parts store
I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo. He said, "That sounds like
a fair exchange."
***
There oughta be a LAW! The car's
horsepower should not exceed the driver's IQ.
***
After 30 years of marriage I was surprised
when my husband said, "I'd like to see our wedding album." How sweet
and romantic of him, I thought, as I handed him the album. "Thanks,"
he said. "I want to show the guys the l960 red Studebaker Hawk I
was driving at the time."
***
Cars of the future will run on water.
Renault announced their cars will
only run on Perrier.
***
My high school was SO poor--that drivers
ed and sex education were taught in the same car!
***
O.J. limo service: gets you to
the airport with an hour to kill.
***
She had the Midas tough. Everything
she touched turned into a muffler.
--:Lisa Smerline
***
Does Ford really need to tell us, in
its Escort manual, "To open and close the side windows, turn the hand crank"?
If this is new information for you, maybe you're not ready to be driving
down streets I'll be traveling.
***
Kaleidoscope: instrument for
measuring auto accidents.
--Brandy Brandon
***
Minnesota Tradin' Times: Wanted:
'76 Cadillac hearse for body parts."
***
Nickname for 1976 Cadillac El Dorado:
The Exxon Valdez
***
A woman walks into a bank in New York
City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe
on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer
tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan,
so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on
the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank
agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman
returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer approaches her
and says, "We are very happy to have your business, and this transaction
worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were
away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can
I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
For
your next conference, hear Alyce do her humorous and inspirational program:
"Everything I
Know About Life I Probably Learned From My Car."
Request
a Speaker's Packet.
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